If I had listened: religious edition

I am sure you’ve seen the videos that tend to circulate now and again, of celebrities listing off the negative comments they received — especially early on in their career — and speculating about where they would be had they internalized those comments. Well, I am nowhere near celebrity status, but I’ve experienced my fair share of negativity, so I figured I could speculate as well. And yes — this is the “religious edition”.

*Disclaimer: people will say, “there is just as much negativity outside religion as within”. I get that. But my experience is mostly within the realm of organized Christian-based institutions. I had plenty of positive interactions mixed with the negative. Not everyone’s story is the same. This is just me.*

Me in 2013, shortly after a group of spiritual leaders and a self-declared “counselor” told me I was mentally ill and had repressed, forgotten childhood trauma. Neither of these assumptions was true.

If I had listened to what other people said about me…

1. I would be stuck-up, ultra-religious (yes, religious people accuse people of being religious — this is actually quite common), and self-centered. When I was 18, I was banned from all missions trips at a Christian university because of these accusations.
2. I would not be able to be a teacher, because I would be “too broken” to influence young people. A leader told me this just days after I’d hosted a girls’ night at my house, where a group of students said they finally felt like a community, and we had conversations about their dreams, plans, and hopes, then spent time journaling and making crafts.
3. I would be “not that kind of attractive”. A pastor said this to me when I was a worship leader and was uncomfortable with the way some men in the congregation looked at me and interacted with me.
4. I would be a secret witch with mental illness, living in denial. Yeah. This actually came up during a “Christian counseling” session. Don’t worry, I am none of the above (aside from my “mental illnesses” of anxiety and constant over-thinking). Some Christians seem to find a thrill in over-spiritualizing everything. I think this situation was triggered by a dream I had that I shared with the wrong person.
5. I would be unfit to be a missionary — in other words, unfit to make an impact in peoples’ lives or engage with other cultures. Multiple leaders have suggested things like this, but the leader of a missions department at a university actually told me “You have a willing heart, but I don’t think this is God’s will for you.”
6. My creativity would be due to mental illness and repressed trauma, and have little to do with actually being creative. This is connected to number 4. People freaked out that I liked to change my handwriting style based on my mood and what was more aesthetically appealing in the moment. To this day, I struggle to write in my former artsy styles.
7. I would only experience God in visual and artistic ways because He felt bad for me. Someone told me the reason I tended to interact with things visually and artistically was because God felt bad for me due to childhood trauma. (As a side note, the trauma they were referring to never happened — they made it up.)
8. I would not believe in God. A pastor used this line when I said I was having a hard time staying at his church. This was after he’d showered me with kisses on the forehead, taken me on coffee dates, and told me I was the “sister he never had” and the only person he could really talk to.
9. Nobody would understand me. In an attempt to isolate me, some not-so-good influences repeated over and over that the general public, my friends, and my family, would not understand what I’ve been through and would not be able to relate to me. I’ve found the opposite to be true.
10. I would not be free or truly happy. It’s weird, for a religion based primarily in love and freedom, a lot of Christians (not all, but a lot) seem to focus their energy on telling people how they are NOT free. Whenever I tried to argue once that I didn’t struggle with a certain “sin” or “bondage”, I was told I was speaking from the “spirit of religion” and living in denial.

In a large portion of Christian culture, it’s considered important to listen to pastors and spiritual leaders. I’m of the mindset that God gave us all brains for a reason. You’re not prey to someone else’s thoughts or opinions. You can have your own thoughts and opinions. And, sure, you may have some setbacks, some flaws. But that is called being human, and typically those flaws are the very things that connect us with other people, that draw us together as the human race. We are all learning, and we are all works-in-progress.

If you’re like me and you’ve had to listen to a lot of negativity, you are far from being alone. Don’t give up. Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. One of the hardest things to do is walk away from those influential voices, but it is so worth it. Step away from what people think you are, and be your true, beautiful, creative self. Prove them wrong, and thrive. ❤